~Vanes~

(30th April’07) We planned for our 1st dinner date (alone) and we arranged to meet at Raffles shopping centre.  Walking briskly to the destination, my heart was thumping with anticipation!  Ah-ha, there he is (won’t miss him as he kinda stand out in the crowd)!!!!  As I approached him, the 1st thing that ran thru my mind was ‘where should I focus later?’, ‘where to place my hand?’ and stuffs like that.  Walking nearer and nearer, noticed that he had something in his hand, but the 1st thing that come into my mind is ‘Brolly’!  Well, cos the last time we went for dinner with Adel, he whisked out a brolly when thunder roared! But hold on!!….he pushed the ’something’ in front of me and I realized it’s a stalk of rose…Pink!!  I was SPEECHLESS!  Never had someone buy me rose before on occassion like that (not that I can think of!)  So sweet of him (plus abit of embarrassment..Wonder how a funny looking gal holding a stalk of pink rose look like in ppl’s eyes)!!  Haha…

We proceeded to our destination for dinner!  Wow!  I was overwhelmed by that BREATHTAKING environment!    Sitting out in the open (Al-fresco style) with 1 or 2 tables around as ‘extras’, overlooking the with ships…hmmm, yatch?…tug & tow (sorry, dun really know the jargon of professional), with perfect lighting and flickering candle.  Only lacking of the violinist playing by our table   Isn’t it romantic?  As if he booked the whole place down.

Dinner was great!  Maybe it was because we enjoyed each other’s company.  Feeding each other at times, trying to taste each other’s food…We proceed to the bar place upstairs and it was really fantastic view!  Enjoyed the breeze, blue lightings peeked out from the deck emphasized the visual impact of the sea horizon..He told me how a ship operates on water level…We laughed about my silly remark on the "street lightings from Malaysia shoreline’ when it was actually the lightings of the cruise.

We left that unforgettable place and down to DDD. Had a few drinks with his mate from army..We’ve spent a wonderful nite together! 

Every moment was sweet from that day onwards.  We called and talked to each other everyday. We carried on with our usual activities.  He was eventually introduced to my frens as my boyfriend (My frens know me that I dun easily let a guy claim ownership of me unless I really feel for him).  I didn’t mind even tho he is still married.  However as days went by, I grew more & more attached to him.  His marriage which was never an issue gets to me easily.  My heart would ache whenever I heard about stuffs he did with his wife, how he would refrain from contacting me when his wife is around, how he sneaked out calling me made feel guilty and upset.  I started to sulk & get upset easily.  I’ve tried to be very understanding and considerate, but I am still no saint.  The idea of me being a 3rd party, sharing someone’s husband hurts me..I love him, but I’ve to stand being the one hiding in the dark. 

(6th May’07) We arranged to have dinner together @ Crab Party.  Bumped into Patsy and her fren.  And we proceed to G.C again.  Our first quarrel started from here…………

We had a few drinks and we discussed about how straining our relationship is and I guessed I said the wrong things.  He didn’t show his displeasure and I didn’t know what went wrong.  We thought it was time to leave, but he suddenly wanted to stay behind, telling me he hasn’t had enough..Hmmm, no matter how I asked him, he just said it’s okie…I got to go…fren was waiting to send me home, so I left him on his own…Suddenly, I received strange sms from him telling me the most strangest thing.  He wanted to end it because he thought that it started out as a game to me…I was devastated!  He’s such a jerk!  I didn’t even know wat went wrong!  All I did was to protect myself from being hurt, and so I must have said stupid things..But what’s wrong about protecting myself??  I kept trying to pacify him and he hung up on my calls…I dunno what to do, this went on till the next morning…when I received the most shattering sms from him…That is one SMS that really cut me up…">First cut is the deepest

Finally, I gave up….I deleted his number from my phone and I stopped my tears from flowing…Men are all liars!! 

(7th May’07 - 11.49am) His sms "I was confused and hurt.  Will you sayang me again…Soon?"  I break down and we eventually talk it out and once again, we’re a happy couple again.  At least we got to make up before my business trip to Penang tomorrow…I am sure I will leave with a Heavy heart, but at least we cleared things up…Haha…Never did I know that he loves to sulk too…He’s a child once again!  And I got a surprise by noon time….heard the office "Ding-Dong" and my colleague ran to answer it…I was on the phone pacifying some customers and suddenly heard the whole office hoo-haa-ing!  I turned around and looked and "Wooooahh" A bouquet of PURPLE ROSES!!  My fav colour again!  I was so happy that you couldn’t see my eyes anymore!! (I still have a stalk of dried rose on my desk!  The rest withered off while I tried to plant them..hahahaha)

(Can’t remember if it was 11th May that he went off on a Tioman trip with his family and frens) I was once again alone.  Missing him lots….Finally waited for him to come back on 15th May…Hurray!!!  Showed me the pictures of him drenched in ink (he caught a Squid)…Looks funny..haha…but the sweetest thing is that he got an ornament for me..It’s my fav. purple colour!

(29th May’07) I had time off from work so we decided to meet up before I proceed to my class while he meet his wife for dinner in Dhoby Ghaut.  I am happily indulging our little talks, holding hands lovinly, but when we were proceeding to the station to Dhoby Ghaut, we stopped holding hands and we were acting like strangers.  Maybe I was over-reacting but he was the one who mentioned that we might bump into someone he knows or his wife’s colleagues!  It was hurting so much….And yet I’ve to act a brave front as if it’s nothing to me.  My heart is crying out tears.  I hate this feeling…yet I’m willing to withstand all this.  The best part of the day was….I even suggested tagging behind him and see how his wife looks like…Silly, right?  But I really did it!  I am damn late for class and should be rushing…but I’m not sure what made me determined to stay and have a look!  I was tagging behind him like a puppy, making circles round & round.  Walking from this exit to that exit, but I still won’t give up!! ">Desperado

Finally, she appeared…only catch a glimsp of her…Wearing a 2 piece wear in white, sulking while walking towards him…In fact I think she looks pretty for her age.  He reached out his hand to help her with her bag…Both of them walked past me with him looking helplessly my way…I turned and walked to my school with a piercing pain thru my heart…Tears welled up my eyes watching him leave with other woman and I can’t do anything since this is the path I chose.  Tears began to stream down..and I could just wipe it off with the back of my hand..<The image of him walking away with his wife>…I felt that I am the most pathetic lady on earth..">街角的祝福  Why do I have to in such a sorry state??  Suddenly I hate all married couples!  I hate them!!!!!!!!  Feel that she’s the most fortunate woman on earth.  She has everything…A happy family, a so called loving husband to share her life, happiness and sorrows??  A loving husband to download movies for her, do every little stuff for her, worried to hurt her (but I guessed that should be the way a husband honour his marriage vow) …But  I’ve nothing, no place to call my own, no husband to call my own, struggling between work and study just so to provide the best for my kids, playing many roles at a time…nobody is there to lend me a shoulder when I need it.  I need to watch my timing when I wanna share my happiness and sorrows with him…Sometimes the enthusiasm juz wear off and I feel like drowning myself in drinks and be sad forever…so I think it will be easier for him to break the news to me and hurt me cos I’m should be in the position to understand better and accept the fact if things turn out nasty since this is expected!  Is this fair??

I feel upset to see him struggling between her & me…making quality time for me as well as to pacify his wife…lacking of sleep, racking his brain to think how to make things work, it pains me seeing him so helpless….But there’s nothing I can do to help…Feels like letting go, but I just can’t do it…Guess there’s no right or wrong…The only wrong thing was that it shouldn’t have started this way…">Sad to Belong

(Sunday, 24th June’07 - 9.22pm) Here I am sitting here right in front of my PC browsing thru my friendster.I should be studying for my Statistics exam but somehow something caught my attention and my mind began to wander off!  I was suddenly amazed by the fact that how Technology can do wonders!  It can bring all people from all around the world to discuss a certain topic, not to mention how it can bring 2 strangers together in this small country.  I missed him lots….He is somewhere with his family celebrating his gal’s birthday, while I am sitting here reminiscing our sweet moments….">I Do (Cherish You)

(Not sure was it 11th or 12th Mar’07) I noticed that someone browsed my profile and I thot he resemble someone I saw last friday, hence I initiated the conversation…"Hiya, don’t mean to be rude, but i just couldn’t hold back my curiosity and I thot i saw you last Friday in one of the pubs @ KS…"

(Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 7.02pm) He replied! "Last Friday? Hmmm..Was it M.2?  That is the only pub I frequent there.  Which one you go to?  You aren’t rude at all.  It is always great to make New accquintace.

He’s friendly, right???…I replied almost immediately!

(Thurdsay, March 15, 2007 - 3.15am) What a weird timing to reply??  Maybe he hanged out till so late and was tipsy when replying…haha "Of course!  What is life like without an ice cold beer?  Do you play pool?  The Pool Bar over at TP is cool.  So where do you usually hang out?

This is how we started our friendship virtually….

(Monday, April 9, 2007 - 2.35pm) He left me his number and asked me to call him when I feel like it!  Haha..I replied and leave him my number and have him to contact me instead (I was shy and lazy to key in his number)  Think he will be a nice kaki to chill out with!

(Can’t remember if it’s Tues 10th or Wed 11th Apr’2007) He sms-ed me!  I called back that number trying to find out who was it.  A nice guy to talk to!  Sounded so manly…Keke!  Sms-es flew by that fateful day and we talked about which is the best way to torture a Pervert man!  I chuckled all the time and my day was bright & sunny!  Not sure if he was the reason why!  But of cos, not that I’ve fallen for him, but I thought I’ve found a fren that I could hang out with!  We discussed about hanging out on that coming Friday after my class and after his work.

(Thursday, 12th Apr’2007) He replied me" I am divorced.  So if you are still worried about anonymous raving mad woman ripping out your hairs then I understand.  However, if you are ok…then I suggest we go for a drink at Gdns or KS.  Which ever you are comfortable with.  Will you be bringing any girlfriends or boyfriends?  I am ok with it. I might have 1 or 2 friends coming too.

Well, he’s divorced (This is the 1st lie) and I am not least worried about it.  Anyway, whether he’s divorced or not isn’t much of my concern cos I am not intending to start anything with him tho.  Just drinking pals..whether or not, I am not one who can’t deal things like that, Rules of my game, I won’t be committed…Guys are not to be trusted.  Or rather, I am not to be trusted.  I can’t stay in a relationship cos I always backed off once someone made the advancement of trying to know me better or I always thought that no one will be sincere & true to me!  Who am I to talk about relationship when I’ve such complicated background and lifestyle?  I have no sense of belonging and a sense of insecurity!

But guess what?  I braved the meet up alone and in the end, I was drinking with 5 of them!  Haha…he’s a chicken..hehe…oops..but it was a good thing cos I enjoyed drinking with a bigger group rather den us alone…so awkward and embarrassing!  Well, I enjoyed myself during our drinking games and we had alot to drink…He even had his arm around my shoulder while we were watching a pool game (HE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT!!!) but somehow 4 of them disappeard halfway thru $#%&*!! Sms-ed him and he replied saying his bro was drunk and they have to sent him home…Hmmm…Shouldn’t I be the one drunk since I was being ‘tekan’ during the games?  hahaha….well, left me alone with one of his ‘Nonchalant’ fren!  Staring at each other, not knowing what to say (held a small talk here and there, but we couldn’t linked up what we were talking about!), I almost wanted to leave, but I trusted him that he’ll be back as what he has mentioned in the sms…I always give ppl the benefit of doubt.  Well finally, they were back after an hour or 2…Just mins before the closing hour!  Sigh…nothing much to do den since it was closing…Hang around abit and we said our goodbyes…

(Monday, 16th April,2007 - 1.23pm) He sent me a msg over the internet and I didn’t know how should I respond!  "From that short time of interation with you, I found out that you are confident and a fun person to be with.  I confess I am attracted by your interesting personality.  However, I don’t think we can go beyond being friends.  My ex recently asked me to patch up with her.(The 2nd Lie) I have agreed to her request today for the sake of my 2 daughters.  I am sorry if I have offended you in any ways..We can still be good friend if you don’t mind, to share our drinks, our dreams and our company"

Should I be nice or should I retaliate to save my face?  I decided to be nice and eventually, I saved myself from the emarrassment! "Eewww…Darling, you made me flushed with embarrassment!  Don’t misunderstood my jargon of ‘Dating’ me!  Wat I really meant was in the idea of chilling out, Enjoying the company..I’m attached too (which was quite true at that time) & in fact my bf frequents K.S quite alot.  A fren of his is working DDD too altho I dunno him well.  I admit I’m a friendly & fun loving gal and I enjoyed great company.  My bf knows my style so he knows he can trust me.  And it’s good to know that you’re reunited with your family, isn’t it sweet?  Wish you all the best!  Now you made me flushed with embarrassment that I’m trying to dig a hole and bury myself in!" 

(Tuesday, 17th April - 5.29pm) His reply - Oops!  IT is a BIG misunderstanding!  Now that we cleared the air…So…When is the next binge?  The ball is in your court gal…Hahaha…!  Let’s see who ‘pengsan’ next.  You never ceased to amaze me with your charming personality!’

???  Not funny leh!!  He was the one mistook me for liking him!  He didn’t even think who was the one who place his hand over my shoulder!  I was trying to be nice and not shake his hand off to save him the embarrassment!  Damn..I should have slap his hand off and trip him over!  Grrr…fancy now trying to be a nice man after embarrassing me…Boo Boo!

We exchanged a few msgs and things cool off from there until one fine day, I received a sms from Rain about DDD’s promotion, so I broadcasted it to him too…Didn’t expect his reply but soon, we are on our next plan to meet for a chill out session!….Things started haywire & uncontrollable from that plan…….

We planned to meet for dinner on Wednesday, 25th April.  We decided where to meet over the phone and things are still as normal….FRENS!!  I brought Adel alone for dinner (steamboat @ 7th storey hotel)…Adel was sitting in between and I was trying to get them accquainted, so she can help to entertain him as well.  Dinner was scrumptious, and it was a fantastic feeling sitting AL-FRESCO enjoying the breeze with the beautiful scene of the ‘DHL’ hot air balloon floating in the air….and it started to thunder…

We headed down to Gdns - GC for a couple of drinks and I insisted he asked his brother down to join us since I like bigger crowd..His brother came and I dunno how we ended up squabbling at each other..Haha…exchanged ‘verbal blows’ with his brother…But after having quite a few drinks, things turned blurry and my sense of belonging kicked in…I knew what & who I wanna and I walked towards my goal…I dunno why, but I just simply headed to him and stood by his side…He didn’t shun..We took a few pics and I hugged him so close to me and yet, he didn’t shun too.  We were smiling so sweetly in the pics..Maybe liquor do boost one’s courage & a aphrodisiac! I dunno how we ended up hugging each other and I slipped in between his legs…Just like a couple!  I let my hair loose and we started giving each others a peck and led to kisses….Yummy so sweet!  I love his luscious, full lips!  It felt so soft against my lips and I’ve love tasting it!….">A Lover’s Concerto

We couldn’t stop kissing each other and we were even kissing in the middle of the road…A car had to stop and waited for me to move on…Haha.  I felt sorry, but I’ve to leave…

This is how things started….Sweet!  But more to come….how love blinded me…and landed me in a ‘No-Turn Back’ path which I can see no end or destination too.  Should I turn back or move on…??

If I can choose how to live my life, I would choose to be living in africa so that i could starve myself to death and live my life all over again!  Life is just so painful.  No 2nd chance and no other path to turn to.  Living my life just to fulfill daily routine.  Dunno wat lies ahead.  No planning, no nothing!

Basically living day by day..Not sure if can survive another day…Life is so pathetic.  And I’m so obstinate!  Maybe my pride gets the better of me.  Life is so stressful…having to deal with daily work, family, bills, study, relationship, money…..etc.

Can a person really live without money?  I’ve no money, no love, nothing to claim my own…but I do have lots of problems!!  And everything involves money money money!!  Damn I hate that word!  I wanna cast everything away!!  I dunno how am I to survive thru this!  Why is everybody getting depression and not me??  Haha…I know why, cos my subconscious mind knows that I can’t afford to be sick, so that’s why!!  Good mind of mine!!

Money is evil!  I think I better steer clear of it!  Money is EVIL!

I feel like a spirit with no soul…

I feel like a zombie with no life…

Wanna fly in the sky like a swallow…

Across the mountain high.

Casting all my sorrows away,

enjoy each and every single day!

But now I could only let me life waste away,

Praying that someone is willing to look my way!!