~Vanes~

To love or not to love?? Seems very simple, but it’s really a tough problem. It’s so sad when a couple are in love and can’t be together…..But isn’t it’s more Earth Shattering when you find that you are living together but you’ve lost the love for each other!!……As the quote says ‘Love like you’ve never been hurt before’ And i would say, ‘In order not to get hurt, do not fall in love’ Easier said than done…you can keep away from the one who loves you, but it’s so heart wrenching to even look away for a second from the one you love! Especially the kind of feel when you missed someone, you feel as tho there’s a lump in your throat and it tasted metallic! Whatever you do, it reminds you of him..You’ll always try to find things that remind you of him. Sweet messages that he sent you, pictures…but you’ll never feel tired of going thru over & over again!! Keep waiting for that sms to come in…or a call will be even better…But afraid of disturbing someone in his work or deprive him of what he’s doing, we could only read thru his sms over & over again…wondering what he’s doing & if he have enough rest? Maybe it’s being silly, but the sense of feeling of belonging & missing someone makes you calm and yet caused ripples in your boring life!! However, I’m feeling so happy & blessed now cos he’s backin my life!! Be it Good or Bad, Leave it to fate…..Life is always full of anticipation!! It’s always good to look forward to something, even tho you won’t know if you’ll get it, but at least you get to experience the process….If we’re meant to be, we will be…if not, when I look back a few years down the road, I’ll thank him for the experience & memories!!

Tired & restless…

Woman or Man??

True Feelings!

I was being silly last Friday.  Partially got what I’ve always wanted….Challenges and I always enjoy the result of triumph!  But come to think of it, what do I gain?  Isn’t me the one who feel silly in the end.  Haha..contradicting.

Anyway, no venture no gain!!  At least I got home early on a Friday nite!  I’m quite glad!!  Actually it’s fantastic to stay at home, but I just keep avoiding to go home early!!  Don’t wanna go in depth, but those who knows me should understand why!!  I may be a very strong gal compare to alot of others,  Doesn’t mean that I went through a lot, I can handle things, doesn’t mean that I’m made of iron…I do need love & concern!!  Why can’t I feel the warmth & care that a daughter should be getting at home? Not a word of consolation, not a single sense of understanding…

Nvm, I always console myself thinking that it’s just hard to express…Someday, I will be appreciated by someone who’ll really love me for all my strengths.  Not sure what is my strengths, but maybe ENDURANCE is one of them…Hmmm, is TOLERANCE & ENDURANCE the same??!!  Nevertheless, I guess I have BOTH!

And not to forget, My KIDS love me!!  Haha…I think they gotta to love me or else I’ll spank their butts!! 

Wow, my Josen has successfully manage to blade a little on the little roller blading shoes!!  I’ve kept my & Jayer’s roller blades for years now and not sure who dig them out this Saturday!!  Now my Roller Blade is being passed down to Jayer and in turn Josen got Jayer’s blades!  I’m quite proud of Jayer as she’s always so persistent in things which she wanted.  Of cos, it’s PROS & CONS!  At least she managed to master how to ride a bicycle and roller blade all by herself!! (Of cos thru falling & tripping) and Voila, the next thing I know, she already master it!!  It’s amazing how fast she can grow!!  It feels just like yesterday when she was so little!!  Always remember she went through a lot with me during the worst time of my life!!  Now she’s just like a little lady having her own ideas and preference!!  No longer the little Jayer I can manipulate..Haha!!  Mom said that I loved her more that Josen!!  Hmmm, but she’s TOO LAZY & & Defiant at times!!  She still get lots of scoldings from me, Sorry…."Mummy knows that I didn’t spend enough time with you & guide you, hence your behaviour!  But you’re still my little Baobei!!  Muackie!"

Back to my Josen!!  Hmmm, I was quite surprised that he was persistent in trying to blade too!!  I knew he always love wheels and I’m glad he managed to balance and blade a little!!  He’s my little darling!  To think back, I was being unfair to him back then.  I cut him off my life and I drifted away from him.  Always feeling that he’s the cause of downslide of my time…He’s such a sweetie!!  Being loved by ‘Ah Ma’ & ‘Ah Gong’, but he was being rejected outside my world for quite some time..Till I finally wake up one day!!  Can’t remember what’s the cause, but I just woke up like that!!

I know it’s not his fault for being extraordinary from other kids.  I should put it that he’s a SPECIAL Kid!!  Imagine those days when he won’t utter a word.  No eye contact, no response when called…It wringe my heart!  What should I do with him?  I’m at a lost!!  Thanks for my sis who brought him to Psychologist who introduced me to a whole new world "AUTISM"  Seen alot on TV series where you see those kids walk around in class when Teacher is teaching, all shut inside their own world!!  What happened to my child??  Was it inborn??  Hereditary??  I really don’t know…nobody knows what’s the cause..But he finally break thru and now, he communicates wif us in small & short sentences..respond to your questions (not all the times, he’s still in his own world at times…grrrr..sigh)…Knows how to express his emotions & requests!!  And has super fantastic Memory!!  Knows how to play on my PC, create powerpoint, insert clipart!  Memorize & spell words that Jayer doesn’t even know how to spell!!  Loves to play with gadgets & games that Jayer has to get him to help pass thru the level!!  Hmmm…must really put in lots of efforts with him to get him out of MINDS.  He’s the pet of the Teachers & especially the Principal!!  They’re trying to pull in out of MINDS & put him to a higher level that suits his IQ, however he needs to pass thru an IQ test with the Psychologist!!  The problem is that he doesn’t follow instructions, just do what he wants to do!!  Sigh..in this case, he won’t be able to pass the test!  And if he is being upgraded to the higher level institute, the teachers are worried that he’ll be bullied there, as he’s such a mild & sweet boy..Sigh..Can somebody tell me what to do??!!!  I’m really lost!!  "Baby, Mommy loves you & sorry to push you outta my life back then.  Mommy is to blame and didn’t understand how to be a good mommy!!  Now I realized how important you are and I love you baby!!

Maybe, just a step at a time!!  First of all, get out of my mom’s place & return to my home sweet home!!  In this case I won’t have so much stress & pressure!!  Hmmmm, but I need time to plan!!  Yeah!!

Why I like Older Men??

Last Friday, met up wif a very long time fren & couple of his frens.  All of them are at least 1 cycle older then me. We discussed about life and experiences!!  That’s the reason why I loved to mix with older men!!  They really have lots of experiences in life to tell me and share their opinions in lots of things, no matter it’s life or work!  How the overcome their ups & downs!!  They tends to guide you, and makes you really feel like a lady!  And treat you with tender care!  Isn’t that the way it should be for a lady to be pamper by men?  Since I was 15, I’ve already been feeling especially attracted to older men, I really do not know why!

Outta Sudden, my fren asked me…"Have you been in love before??"  I was stumped for awhile and I really think very hard.  Have I??  I guessed I THINK that I have, who hasn’t??  But is it really love??  Or is it just infatuation?  Even the period when I was still married, I don’t think I love him at all!  It was just a sign of being dependent on him as he’s the only man in my world then.  To think of it, I was cut off from the society, from my friends, etc. I think no guys would want to look at this "AUNTIE"….Haha..It was really not easy for a 17 yr old gal to change my lifestyle overnite, and cut off all contacts!  Hmmm, it’s not cos anyone controlled my activities…it’s just tat considering the lifestyle I had before pregnant, I don’t want to be in contact with those ppl, and anyway, they won’t look at me anymore cos I’ve lost my beauty, value to them.

And then my fren asked me another question: "Okie, take your ex-hubby aside..Do you think you’ve ever been in love with someone before or after your marriage??  I can say that I really don’t know!!  How does it feel or taste like?  Is being together with someone called Love??  Maybe I’ve seen many diff kind of failures & seen diff kind of men.  And they really makes me think that there is nothing called "Love"! 

Flirting & Flinging behind wife’s back.  Keep wife at home cos they’re no longer ravishing & sexy after birth-giving.  Or has the wife slackened themselves and lazy to look pretty & sexy for their husband?  Have they lost their glow or just giving excuses?  This is a very contradicting issue!  Both parties played a part in the marriage, hence it’s up to both of them to work it out!

Sometimes, We shouldn’t put the blame to 3rd party. If there’s no "demand". there won’t be "supply" in this world! 

There won’t be a chance for the 3rd party to appear, unless both the players in the marriage allows a crack in this HOLY SACRED VOW.

P.S/ Dun be mistaken, my failed marriage is not caused by a 3rd party hor…

Getting Emotional or Just drunk?

What is the meaning of the term "Happy"?  I think I’ve never been happy b4.

What a childhood…

Since young till now…always living a life different from ppl around me.  Never ever experience love of Parents, and how does it feel to have them by my side rather then being dump here & there with relatives I don’t even know. 

Getting abused by babysitter is like a norm to me! 

Ain’t every little gal like me live the same life?  Wat a naive thinking!  But I was only 2 yrs old..so what kind of mentality do I hv? 

-Isn’t having diluted porridge with soya sauce a standard meal for everybody? 

-Isn’t having meals squatting by toilet seat a normal procedure for every kids? And if we don’t finish in time, we got pinched till we bled?

-Isn’t it a norm for every kids to sleep under the bed with cobwebs all over?

-Isn’t it fun to be standing by the kitchen window from the time we wake up till it’s time for kids to sleep?  And not even feeling abit of soreness in my legs?

But why were other kids playing happily out there while I have to do all the above? 

Why did I see my mom floating towards me and when I try to reach her, she floated away??!!

Why was I a nobody’s child?  Don’t they like me?  Who’s my dad? who’s my relatives? where is the love that i should be having but being ripped off me just like that? 

Finally been settled in a place where I feel love, at least it’s a fully structured family with a Daddy, a mummy, sister & brother. (My aunt’s place)..Why did my mom bring me home when I was 9 and left me to rot at home with nobody looking after me?  Nobody to talk to me? Nobody to guide me in my work?  Nobody care if I shower after school, if I do my homework, if I’ve eaten?  Not a soul, just 4 walls!!  I know my mom has to work to support me but why don’t leave me there with my aunt?  At least I feel the warmth and lively environment with REAL ppl around…

I think I was having depression and I talked to myself at home pretending someone is there…..Well…Do i have a choice?  It’s my destiny, but who is there to guide me the right path???