~Vanes~

I have learned to mellow down since the 1st fight with the fear of him leaving me again. I learned to step back, watched my behaviour, try to be very understanding…But I’m still a woman.  Can anyone share her man?  I leave this unanswered..but I indeed dun feel good and I dun deny it.

He has been very sweet to me and I think that he really loves me.  My moments with him are always sweet and happy!  We never hesitate in displaying our affection for each other anytime anywhere.

And I can see that he’s happy whenever I’m around.  I can see the effort he tried not to let me feel 2nd best and I pampered him like a baby every min every second.  I know he has been trying to be around whenever I need him and I too can sensed he is struggling between places out of his tireness.  It is painful for me to know my man is struggling within but I can’t do anything to ease his trouble cos I’m not a saint!  I can’t just wave my hand and say" it’s okie, I don’t need you to be here, we can just see each other once every 2 weeks"  I really wanted to make things easier, but I can’t control the urge to hear his voice, to see him and to feel him.  I wanted to be a saint too, but sad to say "I AM A WOMAN".  I dun party like before anymore cos I can’t bring myself to mingle with the men like before. 

I have thought of letting go so he can be happier, but I chose to believe that he’s happy with me.  But the shocking truth seems to be that I’m the root cause of his unhappiness. I’m the reason why he love but I’m also the reason why he can’t be with me cos his guilty conscience pricked him.  So should I let go and he can complete the unaccomplished task ‘which he claimed that will be done if without me around?’  But if I really let go for the time being, will he really come back to me?  What is he doesn’t?

I really needed to know if he’s in the same direction as me, working towards the goal of being together down the road.  The answer can allow me to have a better idea how to deal with this relationship with the right mindset.  With his assurance all this while, I’m really looking forward to it, but last nite was a blow…He can’t be sure if he wants to be with me in the future??  Then what am I striving for and be hopeful for the future?  His intention and decision is a different issue.  If he has that intention to be with me, I will strive for it no matter how tough it is.  No matter what will be the final conclusion, I have no regrets cos at least we tried.  But if his intention is never to be with me, I know where is the limit and I can just be contented with what I have now.

I was devastated of his vague replies…I wanted to call it off, I really wanted to…not because I can’t handle it anymore..I wanted him to be happy if leaving him can solve his problem.  But somehow, I was really crushed when he didn’t try to hold me back.  Is it because he doesn’t love as much as I think it is?

He always love to assume things.  I dun need him to decide for me if it’s worthwhile.  I know what I’m doing and I believe myself!  But My belief in our love will never make it if he doesn’t stay by me and give me the support. 

I almost wanted to give up, and I am ready to give up cos I really feel exhausted pleading and he’s unmoved.  But finally, we made up again in the nick of time.

Baby, please dun give up so easily!!  Perseverance please…Please hold on for my sake, for our future.  I know the path is rocky and tough and it’s all expected.  But I’m not giving up, so be a man!!