~Vanes~

ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE…….."DRUNK"!!!!!!!!!!!

I was really surprised this afternoon.  I thot I am getting more relaxed and calmer for these few days…..but I’m wrong.  I had my phone in silence this afternoon.  After abt half an hour, I got a shocked when I look at the miz calls.  3 miz calls from him!!!!  I tried to return call, but nobody pick up the phone.  I send sms, no reply!  I really dunno what he really want?  Dun tell me he likes to play hide and seek?

Or he was not the one who call, but DT??  Nah, I’m thinking too much.  I was really surprised and angry.  What is he trying to do?  Playing hide and seek with me ar?  Does he have to torture me like that?  Made me happy for a moment, but it didn’t lasted long…

I admit I sent him an sms first, but he could juz be nice and pick my call to tell me the reason for looking for me!  Made me wondering the whole day.  Think abt our past happy memories made me upset and I sob in the bus again while on the way home.  The one sitting beside me muz have thot that I’m crazy!

I miz him real bad…I wonder if he did miz me for a second?  Or even 1 min?  Or has he forgotten abt me, abt our happy times together?………

Jerked awake from sleep early morning after 3 hrs of sleep.  To think that I washed my face with tears again this morning.  It has become a habit for me and has become part of my life to look at my mobile the min I open my eyes.  Nothing from him…I sms-ed him, but no reply.  I sms-ed him the 2nd time reminding him that he did not call me as he promised to, still no reply. I couldn’t hold it any longer, I called his number but his phone was switched off.  Was he at work?  If I am not wrong, he should still be in morning shift today.  I started to imagine things and started crying again.

I thot I will be feeling better after 4 days, but the pain is still residing happily in me.  Tried calling for a few times, but the phone is still off.  It’s oki, anyway I dunno what to say to him.  Abt 1 hr later, I tried calling him again….Not wanting to talk to him, but just to enjoy that kind of joy that I used to experience when I can call him freely…..THE PHONE RANG!  Oh god, before I can respond, he picked up the call.  I was stumped, speechless and dunno how to react.  My basic instinct was to hang up the call.  I wasn’t prepared that he’ll pick up my call.

When I read my blog, I cried again….Reminiscing back on our happy memories made me cry again.  My heart was in pain…

Stayed at home lying on the bed for the whoe day!  Didn’t do anything and only lie on bed like a dead fish. 

Now my mind is in a blank.  I manslaughter my brain cells for the past few days.  Now I feel like dozing off….Bloggie, please forgive this LITTLE CRICKET as I’m going rest for awhile after all these nites of torture….Nite Nite

Day 3 without him…the pain is not any lesser, but it increased.  Here I am again, still up at 4am in the morning.  He did not call me today as he has promised me last nite!

I had sleepless nites for the past few days.  Didn’t sleep well last nite, or should I say this morning?  Or it should be Saturday morning?  Now my days and nites all turned upside down.  Couldn’t sleep till 6/7am in the morning and drift in and out sleep for 2 hours or slightly more.  I am depressed…turn in to bed after updating the blog this morning (wee hours or should I say last nite??), however I jerked awake everytime I closed my eyes.  I heard voices…it was so scary!  I could hear his voice shouting at me, but when I opened my eyes, I see only darkness and shadows casted by the car beams on the street.  I closed my eyes and I heard a woman’s voice again, and this time I see darkness again!  I was so freaked out, but my exhausted body and soul just couldn’t move…

I sms-ed him, guessing that he should be in morning shift and should be otw to work, hence he might reply me as DT is not around.  No reply… Finally dozed off at 7 plus 8am after a few rounds of Eyes opening and closing game along with Power of Voice Teaser.  Jerked awake around 9-ish.  Checked for sms but nothing…I decided to try my luck and sms him again, thinking he will console me after knowing the sleepless nites ordeal.  His reply was monotonous and I was hurt. "I do hope that you find someone better soon to help ease your pain".  Why is he so eager to push me to any Tom, Dick and Harry? Am I that desperate to start a relationship or am I look slutty enough to just grab one guy to replace my lost love?  IT TAKES TIME TO NURSE MY WOUND! I don’t think I am a Nympho.  I admit I like attention, but I know what I can do or not do at the right time & situation.

I have yet to let this relationship goes, how How will I bear to let another guy get near me for a moment? This is not a Flirting game !

I thought that by going out, dragging more frens out to keep me accompany doesn’t really help.  I tried to not think about him, but it kept coming back to me.  I know I promised him this afternoon that I will get over it, but my heart feels like being stabbed by a knife whenever I thought about him having happy moments with his family - Giggling, chuckling away, out shopping and maybe stealing a quick peck on the lips from his wife when the kids are not looking!  THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT WE USED TO DO.  He told me that I always make him happy and make him laugh!  He enjoyed the moments with me! But now, did he miz me too, wondering what am I doing and who am I with?  Just like how I have been missing him?  It hurts me thinking that he doesn’t even think of me and feel for me handling this whole ugly situation!  To think that we just celebrated our Valentine Day just a week back, and we were such a lovey dovey couple!

I really do miz him alot, but I will try to leave him alone.  I can and I will take on the sadness, loneliness, heartpain, painful road IN RETURN OF HIM TO BE HAPPY!

">为什么相爱的人不能够在一起

LYRICS

每当我在夜里想起你的时候 不知道你在哪头
心里没有许多许多的哀与愁 不知是否是永远的伤口
当你留下我一个人说走就走 其实我已知道你很难受
只是整个世界把你我分两头 割断情丝与占有
想起你我想爱的时候 相亲只能在电话里头
我真的好伤悲 好难受 不知道什么时候才是尽头
为什么相爱的人不能够在一起 偏偏换成了回忆
我带着你的照片找到海角天边 希望你会再出现
为什么相爱的人不能够在一起 偏偏换成了回忆
我就算忘记世界也忘记你 也忘不了我们有过的甜蜜
当你留下我一个人说走就走 其实我已知道你很难受
只是整个世界把你我分两头 割断情丝与占有
想起你我相爱的时候 相亲只能在电话里头
我真的好伤悲 好难受 不知道什么时候才是尽头
为什么相爱的人不能够在一起 偏偏换成了回忆
我带着你的照片找到海角天边 希望你会再出现
为什么相爱的人不能够在一起 偏偏换成了回忆
我就算忘记世界也忘记你 也忘不了我们有过的甜蜜
为什么相爱的人不能够在一起 偏偏换成了回忆
我带着你的照片找到海角天边 希望你会再出现
为什么相爱的人不能够在一起 偏偏换成了回忆
我就算忘记世界也忘记你 也忘不了我们有过的甜蜜

Hello Bloggie, it’s me again at this wee hour….Do you know I had a new nickname days ago?  小蚱蜢 (little cricket) given by my hubby bear bear.  He said that I am always jumping around whenever I have something to share with him.  But this time, I am sharing with you what I did today (Instead of the usual him)…

This morning was terrible.  I couldn’t wake up as I’ve pounding headache.  Guess last nite of writing blog and weeping myself to sleep caused chaos to my usual body clock.  Reached office only about 12.15pm..wow!!  However I can’t do a thing today again.  Stared at the screen and did nothing.  All I could see are flashes of memories, me with him…Tears came and go, Nose turned red and sore…I stared at my mobile the whole day.  I even checked thru my office phone and his last call was 14 February, 3.33pm.  Drafted sms to him (like I usually did) but sent to Outbox instead.  Drafting all sms-es, pretending to send it to him, but this time is different cos I know I won’t have any reply.  Finally I couldn’t supprress it anymore.  Sms to him altho I know he’s avoiding me…Finally he replied after several sms from me!  The strong gal for that morning became emotionally fragile and weep again after seeing his sms.  I’m a total flop. 

However he promised to call me later at nite when he deemed it’s safe to call.  I am freaking happy for that moment.  His replies to me made me lighten up eventually.  I decided to analyze the situation properly…became more calm and rational after the "antidote" (his replies).  Dun get the wrong idea that he pacified me or tried to humour me with his sweet nothings…Nothing of that sort..it was juz that I feel more relaxed and not tensed up after hearing from him.  It’s just that special bond I feel from his presence.

However, I began to have doubts and worries.  I began to hesitate whether to answer his call in case he really call!  I realized that altho I wanted to hear his voice, but I don’t know what to say.  Cos I know what I’m going to face is his cruelty and I will be even upset!  I planned to avoid his call….

7.55pm…..my phone rang and it’s his "Bunny Picture" appearing in my phone.  What should I do?!!  If I reject the call, will it be the last time he call?  It rang for sometime before I finally answered!

It’s painful and I decided to drown myself with liquor tonite!  Went to my usual haunt "Stones".  Ordered a bottle of Chivas and decided to slap myself with waves of puking…I washed every glass down with 1 gulp….I can’t seem to get drunk or even tipsy!  Lots of foreigners..and I was even "molested" by one….I didn’t know he sneaked up to me and started rubbing behind me….I was surrounded by 2 Caucasians and I feel like kicking them in the balls.  I have not let any guys come near me like that for those months I’m with my hubby bear bear.  Fear was what I had in mind then and images of my Hubby Bear Bear were what I saw..If he was there with me, he will protect me, won’t he?

2am….time to go home but I’m still sober..not wanting to go home, I decided to adjourn somewhere else…but where??  Suddenly I felt so pathetic…I wanna cry out loud!  Wanted to wail & bawl in the middle of the road.  I miz my hubby bear bear…what is he doing right now when I am missing him so much and every muscles in me ache for him.  I wanna drown myself in drinks, but I failed.  I guessed it was because I’m intoxicated by Sadness instead of Liquor.  I’ve nowhere to go, no place to hide and no place to relate my sadness.  Love hurts.  I really put 200% into this relationship…I’m not ready to let go, I dun want…i dunno wat to do.  It’s freaking painful!

***Why is it that a wife will only pay attention to her husband after realizing that he has started another relationship?  But all the while she has been taking the hubby for granted?  I really treasure & love him like crazy but I guessed that the effort and love that I have given him are not good enuff and is not what he wanted.  Nothing to be compared to her casting a look his way.

Hi bloggie, did you miz me?  I know I hv not been feeding you with bits and pieces of my life, seems that I will only share my happiness with my love ones, but I am sorry that I always share my sorrows and sadness with you.  Here I am 2day cos sadness is wat you will see in me from now on….

I was sentenced to DEATH last nite - 20th Feb’2008 @ 11pm..I saw it coming…I knew I am sensitive 2wards his reaction to me for the past few days and I am almost 95% right on my judgement.  It blasted, I see no turning back when he looked at me.  I can’t figure out wat he’s thinking and wat news he’s breaking, but I feel terror growing in me.  I wanted to turn back and run back to my shelter and I dun wan to hear wat he is going to say.  But it came out eventually.  I couldn’t move…"Let’s end it"…I tried to shake it off but it kept ringing in my ears…"She knows abt you"..but how?  "She saw our pictures in MSN Shared Folder"…That’s not my fault…and I see it as a lie..I never share any pictures with him in the shared folder!!  I only remembered I only share movie files and songs with him.  There will never be any pictures of us in his MSN SHARED FOLDER.  He’s a careful man…and even if he left our pictures in any of his folder, that means he is not worry at all when he left it there!  Or maybe I am wrong abt him lying…But It is not my fault…I did nothing wrong or neither did I stress him.  I have been a good gal ever since the last quarrel.  Everything is going on very fine.  My love for him grows every single day.  There’s some reservation, but I love him more and more…

From the day we chatted, first meeting, the first kiss, the first vow, the first lie, the first quarrel…Those are fantastic time that we’ve been thru..From being an overbearing gal to a submissive gal takes abt 10 months.  From the 1st lie to the 2nd to the 3rd is still acceptable to me and I threw in all my heart and soul for him!  I gave in all my best and willing to be an underground lover as long as he doesn’t leave me.  I being to take over the role to care for him, gave him my priority in every single thing that comes to my mind.  I pampered him like crazy.  Every special occasion I will want to surprise him with gifts because I wan him to be happy.  But I still LOST THE WAR..I dunno what happen, and I can’t let it go..IT IS HURTING ME LIKE CRAZY and is slowly killing me.

I hid myself in one corner & weeped like crazy but nobody knows.  I have used to hold back the relationship for many times, but this time I am lost.  I am worried that DT will abused him and it crushed me having the thot that he will have a tough time facing her down the road.  The pain of knowing that it’s the last kiss and last hug tear me apart.  Watching his back as he walked away makes me feel like a deserted orphan..

I’m wasted tonight…I am like a zombie and my eyes are puffier than PowerPuff Gals.  Colleagues sensed something is wrong, but I denied.  Brushing them off by making up lies "I couldn’t sleep well".  But I know they heard me having stiffles in my own seat, every sec, every min.  Thinking of him makes my heart ache and eyes grew wet.  I tried to hold the tears but my nose turned red.  Tears flow down recklessly and my vision was blurred.  I can’t do a thing in office 2day.  Emails kept piling in but I kept staring at the screen till eyes almost bleed.

I kept asking myself what did I do wrong?  I’ve given lots of leeway and accepting every request from him "wait for 5 years when my gals grown up and independent"….."let me go back to norm with DT as that is the only way my gals will feel like a family"…."Baby, I have changed my mind and sorry to say that I won’t be able to leave DT now or in future, I can’t leave her as she can’t live without me"  I accepted all and willing to be his soulmate cum shadow. Everyone will say how silly am I,  but I know exactly what I want! I am willing to do anything, to sacrifice for my love…and I don’t care.  Lesser phone calls, lesser meet up is okie with me.  I will find my own programme, but I never been notty ever since I found him.  I never failed to let him know my whereabouts….EVERYDAY without fail.

I showered him with love and plan for a trip to HK.  I extended my holiday after my seminar and everything has been booked.  And now, he cancelled the ticket without letting me know! How can he do that to me?  At least let me know and I won’t have to wait for his reply on how to handle his ticket. I dunno how to proceed.  I am worried that he can’t cxl his ticket so at least I can try looking out if someone can take over his ticket.  I waited and waited.  I was so anxious, I don’t wan him to incur loss..after many calls & sms attempts, den I realized I have been like a fool.  He has already cxl the ticket and seems like no intention to tell me cos he has been not taking my calls or reply my sms.  I am utterly disappointed.  What he said last nite before he left "okie okie, we’re still together and I’ll chat with you on msn" was only to humour me so that he can leave from the scene sooner.  I was the one who suggested lying low and contact thru msn….but the way he shun and avoided me 2day hurts me real bad.  "I can’t take your call cos I’m with DT and the gals"….I dunno if I’m right, but I guessed DT actually doesn’t know a thing at all!!  He has been trying hard to end it wif me, but guess I was really a pest hence this excuse came up.  Will a wife still act as normal and go out with her husband 2 days later she found out about his affair?  Normal women will ignore and not even wanna see him.  Maybe she loves him as much as I do too, I dunno and I dun dare to think abt it.  Maybe I’m wrong and he’s not lying to me.  i still wanna find excuse and I wanna believe him cos I really love him.  I felt that I’ve been hurt real bad this time.  If it is really a lie, I dunno wat to do, but I still hope that he can still come back to me and I will still be waiting.  I don’t blame him for doing this to me, this is all of my own accord.  I know I love him too much to blame him.  I am the one to blame for being a 3rd party and having wishful thinking.  I just wan to be together with the one I love!  I told him that I wanna be his spouse in our next life…I want to be the husband in the next life and take care, dote & love her as my wife till the end of life.

">爱是如此不容易

Nothing can describe how the pain is tearing me apart…had gastric 2day and I didn’t bring my medicine out.  Had a jab and I am like a zombie….wanted to find somewhere quiet to cry out loud, but den I realized that there’s no place that can take me in!  So I sat at the swing by the fountain at A Square, listen to the above song "愛是如此不容易" and weep my guts out!!  I used to came here with him once or twice.  I tried to make him squeeze into the swing with me..it’s so funny…but now I can only curled myself up in the swing, hug myself and weep!  Nobody noticed me and I guess nobody will care. I don’t want to move and I sat there for hours.  Song kept repeating and I kept weeping.  I know this song is written for me….at least there’s someone out there who understand how I feel.  If he/she has went thru what I’m going thru now, I wished that he/she is happy now.

Reached home 11pm, but guess what?  I think that’s what we always say "every special child has unique sixth sense".  Josen muz have sensed that his mummy is feeling really down and upset.  Must hv sensed something went wrong….His beloved "Uncle T" won’t be around him anymore.  Does Josen still remember Uncle T’s number?? His spirit is down too and he is sick!  I almost break down.  Seeing him restless and not moving in bed, makes me wanna cry..He has not taken his dinner and refused his milk.  Running fever and started blabbering nonsense.  I’m going crazy…No one can console me and my mom even hurt me with her words "Will you die without being a lovelorn.  Will die without seeing man, is it?"  I am speechless!  my mom thought I am out meeting him, so I neglected my son!  She doesn’t know I am actually nursing my wounds, it’s sad isn’t it?

I fed him medicine, made him sleep and I’ve to put up a false front.  Guess what I did??  I pretended to call him (daily routine and my family all knows that) and "chat"…

How the conversation goes… "Hello baby, it’s me…wat are you doing?  Ya….I’ve reached home but Josen is sick.  Running a fever and lying on bed restlessly.  Ya, Ya, no worries I will take care of him, okie, sure….sure…I will look after him, no worries.  You have an early nite.  Muackie.  Love ya."……DU..DU..DU..DUUUUUUUU……MONOTONOUS DEAD TONE AT THE END OF THE LINE….

Lyrics

开始就知道 我们是不会有未来 但是我还是在期待。
直到那一天 我多么想你留下来 但是我也只能默默无奈。
明明都知道 这将是最后的拥抱 双手紧紧将你环绕。
所有的困扰 什么都不想去思考。
倒在我的怀抱 就算我日夜都不在重要。
我曾经独自一人躲在街角默默哭泣 我真的无法控制我自己。
你的影子不断出现在我脑海里 我不愿失去最爱的你。
是不是就要让我忘记所有美好回忆 难道非要让我完全放弃。
我的心早已被雨水冲得无法呼吸。
才相信 才相信 爱是如此不容易。

明明都知道 这将是最后的拥抱 双手紧紧将你环绕。
所有的困扰 什么都不想去思考。
倒在我的怀抱 就算我日夜都不在重要。
我曾经独自一人躲在街角默默哭泣 我真的无法控制我自己。
你的影子不断出现在我脑海里 我不愿失去最爱的你。
是不是就要让我忘记所有美好回忆 难道非要让我完全放弃。
我的心早已被雨水冲得无法呼吸。
才相信 才相信 爱是如此不容易!。.