~Vanes~

Hi bloggie, did you miz me?  I know I hv not been feeding you with bits and pieces of my life, seems that I will only share my happiness with my love ones, but I am sorry that I always share my sorrows and sadness with you.  Here I am 2day cos sadness is wat you will see in me from now on….

I was sentenced to DEATH last nite - 20th Feb’2008 @ 11pm..I saw it coming…I knew I am sensitive 2wards his reaction to me for the past few days and I am almost 95% right on my judgement.  It blasted, I see no turning back when he looked at me.  I can’t figure out wat he’s thinking and wat news he’s breaking, but I feel terror growing in me.  I wanted to turn back and run back to my shelter and I dun wan to hear wat he is going to say.  But it came out eventually.  I couldn’t move…"Let’s end it"…I tried to shake it off but it kept ringing in my ears…"She knows abt you"..but how?  "She saw our pictures in MSN Shared Folder"…That’s not my fault…and I see it as a lie..I never share any pictures with him in the shared folder!!  I only remembered I only share movie files and songs with him.  There will never be any pictures of us in his MSN SHARED FOLDER.  He’s a careful man…and even if he left our pictures in any of his folder, that means he is not worry at all when he left it there!  Or maybe I am wrong abt him lying…But It is not my fault…I did nothing wrong or neither did I stress him.  I have been a good gal ever since the last quarrel.  Everything is going on very fine.  My love for him grows every single day.  There’s some reservation, but I love him more and more…

From the day we chatted, first meeting, the first kiss, the first vow, the first lie, the first quarrel…Those are fantastic time that we’ve been thru..From being an overbearing gal to a submissive gal takes abt 10 months.  From the 1st lie to the 2nd to the 3rd is still acceptable to me and I threw in all my heart and soul for him!  I gave in all my best and willing to be an underground lover as long as he doesn’t leave me.  I being to take over the role to care for him, gave him my priority in every single thing that comes to my mind.  I pampered him like crazy.  Every special occasion I will want to surprise him with gifts because I wan him to be happy.  But I still LOST THE WAR..I dunno what happen, and I can’t let it go..IT IS HURTING ME LIKE CRAZY and is slowly killing me.

I hid myself in one corner & weeped like crazy but nobody knows.  I have used to hold back the relationship for many times, but this time I am lost.  I am worried that DT will abused him and it crushed me having the thot that he will have a tough time facing her down the road.  The pain of knowing that it’s the last kiss and last hug tear me apart.  Watching his back as he walked away makes me feel like a deserted orphan..

I’m wasted tonight…I am like a zombie and my eyes are puffier than PowerPuff Gals.  Colleagues sensed something is wrong, but I denied.  Brushing them off by making up lies "I couldn’t sleep well".  But I know they heard me having stiffles in my own seat, every sec, every min.  Thinking of him makes my heart ache and eyes grew wet.  I tried to hold the tears but my nose turned red.  Tears flow down recklessly and my vision was blurred.  I can’t do a thing in office 2day.  Emails kept piling in but I kept staring at the screen till eyes almost bleed.

I kept asking myself what did I do wrong?  I’ve given lots of leeway and accepting every request from him "wait for 5 years when my gals grown up and independent"….."let me go back to norm with DT as that is the only way my gals will feel like a family"…."Baby, I have changed my mind and sorry to say that I won’t be able to leave DT now or in future, I can’t leave her as she can’t live without me"  I accepted all and willing to be his soulmate cum shadow. Everyone will say how silly am I,  but I know exactly what I want! I am willing to do anything, to sacrifice for my love…and I don’t care.  Lesser phone calls, lesser meet up is okie with me.  I will find my own programme, but I never been notty ever since I found him.  I never failed to let him know my whereabouts….EVERYDAY without fail.

I showered him with love and plan for a trip to HK.  I extended my holiday after my seminar and everything has been booked.  And now, he cancelled the ticket without letting me know! How can he do that to me?  At least let me know and I won’t have to wait for his reply on how to handle his ticket. I dunno how to proceed.  I am worried that he can’t cxl his ticket so at least I can try looking out if someone can take over his ticket.  I waited and waited.  I was so anxious, I don’t wan him to incur loss..after many calls & sms attempts, den I realized I have been like a fool.  He has already cxl the ticket and seems like no intention to tell me cos he has been not taking my calls or reply my sms.  I am utterly disappointed.  What he said last nite before he left "okie okie, we’re still together and I’ll chat with you on msn" was only to humour me so that he can leave from the scene sooner.  I was the one who suggested lying low and contact thru msn….but the way he shun and avoided me 2day hurts me real bad.  "I can’t take your call cos I’m with DT and the gals"….I dunno if I’m right, but I guessed DT actually doesn’t know a thing at all!!  He has been trying hard to end it wif me, but guess I was really a pest hence this excuse came up.  Will a wife still act as normal and go out with her husband 2 days later she found out about his affair?  Normal women will ignore and not even wanna see him.  Maybe she loves him as much as I do too, I dunno and I dun dare to think abt it.  Maybe I’m wrong and he’s not lying to me.  i still wanna find excuse and I wanna believe him cos I really love him.  I felt that I’ve been hurt real bad this time.  If it is really a lie, I dunno wat to do, but I still hope that he can still come back to me and I will still be waiting.  I don’t blame him for doing this to me, this is all of my own accord.  I know I love him too much to blame him.  I am the one to blame for being a 3rd party and having wishful thinking.  I just wan to be together with the one I love!  I told him that I wanna be his spouse in our next life…I want to be the husband in the next life and take care, dote & love her as my wife till the end of life.

">爱是如此不容易

Nothing can describe how the pain is tearing me apart…had gastric 2day and I didn’t bring my medicine out.  Had a jab and I am like a zombie….wanted to find somewhere quiet to cry out loud, but den I realized that there’s no place that can take me in!  So I sat at the swing by the fountain at A Square, listen to the above song "愛是如此不容易" and weep my guts out!!  I used to came here with him once or twice.  I tried to make him squeeze into the swing with me..it’s so funny…but now I can only curled myself up in the swing, hug myself and weep!  Nobody noticed me and I guess nobody will care. I don’t want to move and I sat there for hours.  Song kept repeating and I kept weeping.  I know this song is written for me….at least there’s someone out there who understand how I feel.  If he/she has went thru what I’m going thru now, I wished that he/she is happy now.

Reached home 11pm, but guess what?  I think that’s what we always say "every special child has unique sixth sense".  Josen muz have sensed that his mummy is feeling really down and upset.  Must hv sensed something went wrong….His beloved "Uncle T" won’t be around him anymore.  Does Josen still remember Uncle T’s number?? His spirit is down too and he is sick!  I almost break down.  Seeing him restless and not moving in bed, makes me wanna cry..He has not taken his dinner and refused his milk.  Running fever and started blabbering nonsense.  I’m going crazy…No one can console me and my mom even hurt me with her words "Will you die without being a lovelorn.  Will die without seeing man, is it?"  I am speechless!  my mom thought I am out meeting him, so I neglected my son!  She doesn’t know I am actually nursing my wounds, it’s sad isn’t it?

I fed him medicine, made him sleep and I’ve to put up a false front.  Guess what I did??  I pretended to call him (daily routine and my family all knows that) and "chat"…

How the conversation goes… "Hello baby, it’s me…wat are you doing?  Ya….I’ve reached home but Josen is sick.  Running a fever and lying on bed restlessly.  Ya, Ya, no worries I will take care of him, okie, sure….sure…I will look after him, no worries.  You have an early nite.  Muackie.  Love ya."……DU..DU..DU..DUUUUUUUU……MONOTONOUS DEAD TONE AT THE END OF THE LINE….

Lyrics

开始就知道 我们是不会有未来 但是我还是在期待。
直到那一天 我多么想你留下来 但是我也只能默默无奈。
明明都知道 这将是最后的拥抱 双手紧紧将你环绕。
所有的困扰 什么都不想去思考。
倒在我的怀抱 就算我日夜都不在重要。
我曾经独自一人躲在街角默默哭泣 我真的无法控制我自己。
你的影子不断出现在我脑海里 我不愿失去最爱的你。
是不是就要让我忘记所有美好回忆 难道非要让我完全放弃。
我的心早已被雨水冲得无法呼吸。
才相信 才相信 爱是如此不容易。

明明都知道 这将是最后的拥抱 双手紧紧将你环绕。
所有的困扰 什么都不想去思考。
倒在我的怀抱 就算我日夜都不在重要。
我曾经独自一人躲在街角默默哭泣 我真的无法控制我自己。
你的影子不断出现在我脑海里 我不愿失去最爱的你。
是不是就要让我忘记所有美好回忆 难道非要让我完全放弃。
我的心早已被雨水冲得无法呼吸。
才相信 才相信 爱是如此不容易!。.

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